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User blog:Berry6419/The Wiki Family: Berry and the Bacon Box
Well, about two months ago, I decided to try my hand at writing a small wiki family story based off of the recent events of the coup by Chaz and Argali. Here it is. Thanks to Imrahil and Chaz, who helped with proofreading and whatnot, and one to Shadow, who helped a lot. Well, here it is. Also note that I pasted this from a google doc and don't know how to edit the formatting. Berry and the Bacon Box: The Unfryable Case I’m back, from school, and thank goodness that ‘revolution’ is over. But now, I have an even bigger problem on my hands. After the unfortunate events of the recent coup by Chaz (who is currently making a pretty bad leader, and showing lots of red flags - literally, he has communist flags hanging everywhere.) someone had neglected to put the bacon back, or perhaps this was their plan all along, or whatever. The problem is, the bacon is gone, and I gotta track it down. I’m not Morgoth, but that’s probably a good thing. Morgoth and Dragon tend to mistake innocent treehouses (with wifi) for criminal headquarters too often for my taste, and their fees are appalling. The last time I wanted something found by Dragon or Morgoth, it cost me my half of the candy basket. Not that we even have a secret basket for that. I need to consider my options. What would Morgoth do? He’d go searching for evidence. So let’s not do that. Instead, let’s consider what I already know. The bacon went missing sometime before breakfast this morning, presumably during the start of the war between the forces of Imrahil and the forces of Chaz. The bacon is, or was, bacon. Obvious, yeah, but I might need it. The bacon has currently not been returned, and we’re currently unsure if it is still in the house. However, so far I haven’t smelt any frying, so I assume it hasn’t been eaten. The container which the bacon was formerly in has not moved. However, I haven’t got accurate records of fingerprints, and even if I did, they wouldn’t tell me anything because we’ve all used the bacon box before. Except Imrahil, of course. Now, the obvious suspects would be Imrahil, Chaz, and their respective forces. The problem is, because all the evidence points to Chaz, it would have been ridiculously easy for someone to simply take the bacon, put that note there, and wait. I need more evidence. First, to the house! My first order of business is to see if I can find the most obvious answer; that someone simply forgot to put the bacon back - or maybe is hiding it, or whatever. What I need to do is to take a sniff around the house, see if I can smell frying bacon or salt, or if I can find anyone who knows about the bacon. However, I can’t reveal to any possible suspects (AKA everyone except me and Shadow) that I am searching for it, so I’ll have to be discreet. The first place I will search, after turning the treehouse upside down, is my bedroom, because why not? It’s a good place to start, and someone might have hidden something there. Besides, I need to make sure I’m not secretly a Russian sleeper agent. Who knows how much that lot have infiltrated? Nothing, of course. Next, all non-bedroom rooms - and then I ran into Morgoth. “On my way through the hallways, I ran into Berry. What could he be doing, at this late hour?” “Morgoth, it’s four in the afternoon and the sun is shining.” That was Morgoth for you. Going through one of his detective phases made him really suspicious of perfectly innocent things - like me singing 99 bottles o’ enchanting on the wall in my treehouse with Shadow, playing Minecraft. Calling it a dark bastion against the grey sky, of all things. “More to the point is what you are doing here.” “He was trying to interrogate me... heh. I had been through this kind of thing before. He would NEVER be able to break ME.” It was definitely going to be one of those days. Currently, I’m still not sure if deciding not to recruit Morgoth was a good thing or a bad thing. He might have been helpful, but this is Morgoth that we’re talking about. Either way, I walked away without his help. What’s that? Speaking. Speaking with a bad russian accent. Speaking with a bad russian accent, coming from Chaz’s bedroom! I must investigate! Softly now… softly… I briefly consider listening at the door, but decide against it. Let’s instead see if I can hear them from here. “... recent events, I have been burdened with all the work! This will not stand! I will claim the luxuries of the house for the Revolution and deny them to my enemies!” Luxuries? Claim? What could be going on? “Uh, Chaz, I really don’t like where this is heading.” Another voice. Argali. So he was mixed up in this too. “SILENCE! I AM THE LEADER OF THE REVOLUTION! YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME!” More unnecessary proof that Chaz was the cause of all this trouble. “We will take what we want, just as we have taken the bacon!” Now that’s more like it… uh, wait, what was that noise? “Be silent. What is that?” I dunno about him, but to me it sounded like a demon summoning ritual. Not again… It seemed like a good time to leave, quietly, before anyone walked out that door. I hastily make my exit, as silently as I can. The overly loud chanting that has started in the background is also helpful. Great, who has the holy water? Dammit, we’re low. I pass by Tyb’s room. Hey, that doesn’t look exactly like candle light. Uh, this could be bad. I had better hurry back to base. Time to gather up the evidence again. I climb the ladder, and knock on the door. “Eh? What’s the password?” Me and Shadow put in a password system for the treehouse a while back. So far as I know, it’s just to confuse everyone else. “A Sense of Deja Vu.” “Come in.” I push open the door to the treehouse and walk in. “Brother, we have a small problem.” “What, is Tybereous trying to summon a demon again? Seriously! This is really getting out of hand! I think the holy water’s starting to run low again.” “Make that two small problems. I still haven’t been able to find the bacon, and I’ve received some pretty damning evidence that it was Chaz.” Shadow sighs. “Of course. He clearly hasn’t got much practice, with the note and all that. What evidence, brother?” At this point, I lower my voice. “I heard him talking about it. It seems that he has this ‘master plan’ to take all the luxuries of the house, starting with the bacon.” “What will we do about this?” asks Shadow, also whispering. “Have you got access to some sort of quiet recording device?” … Attempt #1: I sneak. Quietly, now. Softly, softly. Cautiously. Every precaution must be taken, and I must keep an eye on everything. I acquired a few tips about sneaking from a certain elf, so while I’m not exactly an assassin, I can certainly sneak well enough to get by. Let’s hope this works. Voice recorder, activate. As I approach Chaz’s room, I listen. I need to make sure both Chaz and Argali are in there. I really don’t want to get Argali into this, but if I must, I must. Although I’ll see if I can eliminate his voice from the recording with some editing. Now, softly, softly… Uh… what’s that? “I listened in, quiet as a mouse and twice as careful. They had not heard me. This way, I could find out about their diabolical plan.” Time to scramble out of here, before Morgoth notices. Attempt #2: Let’s try that again, shall we? Morgoth isn’t anywhere? Dragon isn’t anywhere? Voice recorder, activate. Uh, hang on, what? No, I don’t want to go to google play store. No, I don’t want to upgrade to premium. Just - just activate the damn voice recorder. Dammit. I think I may need to postpone this. Attempt #3: I walked, warily, in. I had to be careful. All members of the house accounted for, Chaz in his room, activate voice recording device. Hang on a second. What’s that smell? Smoke, spices, oil, burnt egg… oh. No. This… not good. Emergency. Because it’s either one side has tried to make an ultimate bio-weapon to use against the other and succeeded… or Aurae finally persuaded Imrahil to cook. EVACUATE THE HOUSE! After that disastrous event, we had to clear out the house, open all the windows, activate as much air conditioning as was possible, and stand somewhere else for a very long time. And then it rained, which meant that we had to seek shelter, so everyone was trying to get into the treehouse but we wouldn’t let them because they didn’t know the password, so eventually a good number of them just stood under the treehouse. A knock. That was probably Dark. By which I mean DD2. “Password?” The password system. Keeps them out and us in. “Uh… Edhellith?” Yep, it was Dark. “No. Shoo.” Another knock. “Hey, can I come in?” That was Code. Might be a bit dangerous. “Password?” “Uh… Fidgeting Writer.” Thought so. If he knows our password system, we might need to change it. “Close enough. Come in.” I walked up and opened the door. Code entered. Another knock. “I approached the tree house, seeking entry. The rain gave me the perfect excuse to enter their secret hideout and find out what they were plotting inside.” Ugh. Morgoth, trying to get in. “Password?” “I was unaware of their password system, but as I considered it, I decided that the word used by the last person to enter should suffice.” “Fidgeting Writer.” “No. Shoo.” “What? But that was the password!” “Was being the keyword here. Leave.” “Thwarted, I turned and left the tree house.This simply would not do. I needed a way in, a way to find out their plans without the accursed treehouse being a barrier.” Another knock. Lots of people today. “Ey, can you let me in?” Draug, it seems, also wanted to get out of the rain. “If you know the password, yes.” “Okay… so… not Fidgeting Writer, which was the last password but evidently changed… eh… Royal Bethlehem?” “Come in.” Draug entered the door. “See? SEE? This is why we use MY password system.” Shadow sourly remarked. “In that case, you answer the door.” Another knock. “Sorry, treehouse full. Nobody else can enter.” “But-” “No buts. Shoo.“ And that ended that. Ok. Attempt #4. Imrahil barred from the kitchen? Check. Targets in the trap? Check. Device is working? Uh, hang on… yeah, we’re good. Check. Morgoth, Dragon, and anyone else who might hear accounted for? Check. Let’s do this. Activate voice recorder. Move up. Carefully, now, or else they’ll hear me… Got in. “The day has come, comrade!” That got my attention fast. “We will take to luxuries of the house for ourselves! Is the bacon stored safely?” “Uh, I think so...” “Excellent! Next, we will take the confectionery! The chocolates of the house will be OURS!” “I really don’t think that this is a good idea-” “SILENCE! YOU WILL NOT QUESTION ME! WE WILL HAVE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS!” I listened in for the next few minutes as they spoke of their plan. It seemed like they were going to wait until everyone was asleep, creep into the kitchen and search the secret chocolate storage areas, AKA the pantry, fridge, behind the microwave, next to the cups and among the silverware. How he gained that knowledge I have no idea. Why we actually hide the chocolate there is also beyond me. “And then, when we have the confectionery, we will keep it in a top secret hiding spot!” “Ok… where?” “My master hiding spot! IN THE POCKETS OF THE CLOTHES IN THE CLOSET!” “Uh, Chaz, that really doesn’t sound-” “SILENCE!” I’d heard enough. Soundlessly, I turned away and left. Now I just need to hop onto my laptop, upload that voice recording, and prepare to send it to anyone whom I thought was trustworthy for after the chocolate goes missing. … Well, other than that, the day passed uneventfully, at least for me. I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out of the editing software was necessary or if I could just send over the entire voice recording to everyone else. In the end, I decided to cut out a few bits at the start before I crept up on Chaz and Argali, and at the end, after I got away but before I turned the device off. The next day, however, passed slightly less uneventfully. The alarm raised by everyone who wanted a chocolate before going to work or school quickly alerted everyone to the emergency, and it alerted me to discreetly send a message containing a certain file over to certain people that I believed could be trusted not to warn Chaz or Argali until we’d caught them. Yeah, everyone was really annoyed about the lack of chocolate after double-triple checking all the hiding spots and the spare hiding spots. Apparently we’ve got one in Imrahil’s cooking utensils that he got for his birthday. … “Trav?” “Yes, Imrahil?” “You should probably hear this.” “What is it?” The recording played. “The day has come comrade! We will...” By the end of that, Trav was pissed and Imrahil was pissed. Both of them were ready to go up to Chaz and break his closet. … Eureka was playing Minecraft when he received an email. “Huh? What’s this?” “The day has come comrade! We will take the luxuries...” Eureka was getting more and more annoyed by the second. … Indom spotted an email. What could it be? A recording? Everyone in adjacent rooms was immediately startled by a large number of profanities. … Faenor quickly tabbed out of his Total War game against Dragon to check a recent email. It had a recording attached too. “The day has come...” Wordlessly, Faenor reached for his katana. … Shadow here. Berry’s gone off to make his report to Imrahil or whatever about it, so I’ll take it from here. It was the same day everyone had found out about the missing chocolate. Everyone was angry at Chaz and, to a lesser extent, Argali. Me and Berry told them to meet us under the treehouse. We outlined the plan. A simple plan it was, not too complex. It couldn’t be, or else inevitably something would go wrong and then we’d be back to the drawing board. Of course, everyone already knew about it, so not much could really go wrong, but we made sure by keeping the plan simple. We went to war. Like that one part of the Lord of the Rings where the Ents got all mad at Saruman and marched on Isengard. Except we were the Ents, Chaz was Saruman, and his bedroom was Orthanc. Huh, I suppose that makes Berry and I Merry and Pippin. The first bit even rhymes. Berry, Merry. Although Meriadoc doesn’t really rhyme with anything. Everyone had assorted weapons. Well, improvised weapons. We weren’t actually going to beat up Chaz, we were just going to threaten to, so they had to be able to do some damage but not be too expensive or inconvenient. We kicked in the door and stormed Orthanc. Chaz was surprised, and very chagrined at us. We looked in the pockets of the clothing, and lo and behold the chocolate was there. Then we all yelled at Chaz for a few minutes, and then put the chocolate back in the various hiding spots. That part of the plan had been accomplished, I began implementing my other part of the plan. The bacon was nowhere to be seen, but I’d discussed something with Aurae earlier. After a few more fruitless minutes of searching, we implemented plan B. Plan B was to go to the supermarket and buy more bacon. Huh, I’m surprised nobody else came up with that. Well, we got the bacon. … I’d made my report to Imrahil. One investigation, starting with a simple mystery about bacon, escalating to foiling a massive plot to do with Chaz and the chocolates, foiled with luck, tech, and some good non-Morgoth-like investigating. My case notes were all archived away in a folder on my Google Drive, along with a written listing of events. Everything was orderly again; no weapons sighted, no secret plots as far as the eye could see, and most importantly, the bacon and chocolate back in their rightful places. We - that is, Shadow and I - had tied off most of the loose ends. Everything seemed to be going our way. Seemed. And that made me somewhat apprehensive. Let’s see. Everything was seemingly in order, but ‘seemingly’ didn’t get the chocolates out of the pockets or the bacon back into the box. Maybe, just maybe, there could be something else brewing, something that could have been happening right under my nose. I sure hope not. Ah, well. I’ll deal with it when it comes. For now, however… this tale ends. FIN Category:Blog posts